Wednesday, May 22, 2002

hey bubbi:
i'm so sorry i havent been the nicest of ppl lately; i htink i'm just a bit arghed over school and boys are you doing? i hope you have been able to read at least some of your texts so you can write an A+ paper on Theory. i think whatever you do will turn to gold i mean you are naturally talented writer..and i kid you not. hehe anyways. if you need someone to proofread, i'm always awake...ok? so hwer things w/ school in general, your ifnals schedule seems so werid becase you seem to only have papers. i think its weird that your year is ending, its kinda scary, doncha hink? i relaly dont want to be a senior...but i guess since i'll be here for 2 more years, i'll ge a chance to get used to super senior dom. argh. anwyays.i took my bio quiz this morning, i was happy because i hink i did pretty well. i studied from like 6am-10am this morning. for once, i actually got up to study like i said i would. sigh.! i have a chem midterm and a chinese quiz on friday. ahhh. i thin i want to kill my chinese professor she is so hard core. gosh. and my chem shouldknt be too bad as long as i study hard...i htink thats the worst part about doing bad in school. you know you can do it but then you just are lazy. thats the differnec between me and ppl that do well in school. they work really hard. i only half ass it most of the time and stil churn up mediocre grades. its relaly relaly annoying! i need to register for my classes next quarter. i put it off i dont know why. i'm so lazy these days.

so anyways, jason mak was on my mind all day today;. in a bad wayt hto. i saw him from the shcool shuttle and felt a little nauseated. he didnt see me. but he called me and wanted to come over after class. i let him come over thinking we would talk about stuff more. anwyas he came over and we were both lying on the bed. he was like hugging me and stuff but i told him he coukdnt do that. i asked him all those questions again about how he knew this was right. and i began to realize that he hasnt relaly thought too much about this at all. i asked him. ok jason, i just need to know : before when you decided to break up with me, you felt all this pressure and stuff. if you cared so much about me like you said you did, then why was i the first to get shafted. why was i your first priority to get dropped? he couldnt answer me. at all. all the questions i asked him he couldknt answer me. i dont know. he said he coudlnt think of anything to say becuase he has a difficult time expressing himself. we talked for about an hour and he kept asking me waht i wanted. i said security, and being able to trust him. he never said anything. i dont know. so we were just lying there, not touching or anything and i told him, "i think you should leave" and he trie dto protest and like argue w/ me that i was making htis too complicated etc... (am I?...i dont know) and i said i think you shoudl go. so he got up grumbling. and i'm like, i htink i deserve an explanation. i deserve whatever i ask for jason and i think you and i both know it. and so he was kinda pissed off. and he just upped and left.

p[art o fme thinks i was too harsh, and maybe i'm making this too difficult for mr. mak. but at the same time, it hink he should be begging me back because he was the one that made hte mistake for him to be getting mad at me is so ridiculous. i am proud that i didnt cave in...i think you are right, caving in is a momentary solution to a problem that could last forever. i dont know. oh ya he told me that he wants to be w/ me forever. like were so compatible etc...and stuff. sihg. good thing i'm not a sucker. (i'm not..realy ! =) anyways. i dont know. part of me is still confused. but i am clear about one thing. he needs to beg and agree with everyhing i say beause he owes me. until then, we arent maybe you ought to book anohter ticket to sd =) hahah. j/k. i love you lots

ps. thanks for listening to me sorry its never ending!!

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

hi jen,
how r u doing. i cant wait to see u again. i kno u been stressed with shcool lately. i hope ur quizzes and mt go well. i cant awit to hit up melrose with u on sat? or is it sunday? maybe go pet shopping, i also need to make that body pillow.. tons of stuff i cant wait. by the way im going to go to palm psrings with katy on friday. ok take care,
hi jen,
how r u doing. i cant wait to see u again. i kno u been stressed with shcool lately. i hope ur quizzes and mt go well. i cant awit to hit up melrose with u on sat? or is it sunday? maybe go pet shopping, i also need to make that body pillow.. tons of stuff i cant wait. by the way im going to go to palm psrings with katy on friday. ok take care,

Friday, May 17, 2002

hi again.
its funny how sometimes i blog a lot and sometimes u blog a lot. i understand how sometimes u just dont feel like blogging. im eating burrito again. im obsessed with carne asada.. umm kinda getting grossed out with all these refried beans. i ate a bunch of junk food today. my diet will start very very soon. any updates on jkeff. its fridaey and u say him yesterday and today.. ok let me kno

Thursday, May 16, 2002

well bout jeff,, any news? u seem pretty stressed bout this paper. i hope u get it done.. is it due tomo?
i just went to marys graduation today, studied soehwat..going to shower and then study a little more then go to bed.. i forgot i am working tomo.. i am nopt too stressed bout school yet. i am happy i had a SUPER carne asada burrito.. yummy i feel sooo fat. though im going to majorly diet soon. ahh gross.ok i guess i will talk to u soon maybe hehe byebye

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

hi. jeff called me at 1:08 pm today. i am really excited.he seems weird tho. he called and asked if i was busy tonight. he invited me to go to a birthday party/dinner with him but get coffee first at around 5 pm. he wants to MEET at the coffee place, not pick me up. and i said i lived close to there and he was like ok, so i'll see you there ? maybe he was nervous. i dont KNOW! hmmmmm. i'm happy again
hi jen
this is werid to blog after so long. and espcially when im so strressed but maybve thats good cause then i can write away my worries and clear my head of stupid thoughts (like the eating evyerhting u want and having god tell u that its ok he wont add any centimeters around ur wasit) im crazy huh? i kno most people in my situation would be walking to the library right now or crying or at least openign my book but no not me., my books all on my bed covered with the ym magazine that features nelly fertado (shes gross looking and acts gross.. ghetto style.. sorry i kno u like her) but my way to counter stress is to stress till i break and then i have to sit down and study.
this is werid, danny thinks my room really really stinks.. i think it might acuatlly cause like i always think that in the morning the ordor is quite gross. like no vnetiliation i think i should just keep my windows open but u kno my fear of cold is quite a deterrant to that. but if u think bout it the fact that my room stinks is really quite sad.. umm what to do bout it. i treid thouse bath and body plug ins, the scnet of those things is quite overpowering too sweet and also the way the plugs are like i had to plug it in sidewayts and the liquid spilled out onto vivs stero system premantely scarring the surface of it! i sprayed some bath and body room spray but thast not very helpful either.
well enough bout that gross subject
my chinese oral.. eww not too great it was admittedly the worst in the class but im not concered at all. i slept instead of waking up to swtudy and somehow my hair was all dry and course today.. bad! but oh wells maybe tomo is a better hair day. luckily my face is getting less pimply , no new pimples in the last few days.. just the scarring now not bad.

so what did u wear for jeff today, ? since we talkwd bout i dont have anyhting new to say but i kno for sure hes not prettier than u. ur just crushing on him so u think he has all these cute qualities. lkinda like jmak when u thought he was great before and when u missed him u thought he was even better, and now u just hink hes gross. itll be the same wioth jeff. since jeff was stariong at u during class instead of payting attn to the teacher i take it a a good sign.l did u kno haerina and michael (jason s firend) hooke dup in korean class.. hehe in the middle of the smester.. he thought he never owuld have a chance wit hher so he never made any mvoes.. cute huh?
im checking my email every few seconds im waiting for my gsi to email me the grade of my paper.
ok so now about the msn article bout the deal breakser..that so cute we should start a loss of deal breakers.. i think its a cute list! well i could guess it all already. buut some of them i think is a given like "looks dirty" haha how many girls want their prince charming in a sanitary workers uniform. haha.. u kn how u think its impt that hes nice to waitresses.. well do u think its very impt to u that he tips highly, would u get pissed if he didnt leave big tips on the table for the waiteress.. im such a bad tipper. i hope guys dont find that a turn off. iom just vetry asian when it comes to tipping and i think ishoud change but sometimes i just dont think they deserve 15%.

wow iu dindt kno u fel that way bout talking on the cell phone, see i think its hard to expect a lot from a guyy if i dont do the same as well. like if i talk on the cell phone during the date then its only cause he talked on it too. so its not hypocrtical. i think im doing that from now on. unless its like my boyfirend or something and we are always togheter but if its the first few deats i want to pay attn to him
mine? i guess manyt of the same
being rude and ungentlmenly, not opening doors, not taking control of the situation, having too much acne, having a high voice or being feminene characteristics, someone i would be embarassed to introduce to my firends. so many deal breakers no ownd er i dont havea a bfr

work today, it was so good cause i got to get off at 3 30 instead of 5pm. i had to do some stupid stuff though like counting THousnads of cards.. i just estimated toward the end my nail broke from countring so much. but i am going to record my hrs as if i worked 5, cause my boss took me to take off early cause otherwise i would sit there for 1.5 hrs doing nothing. i think thats not really the ":legal" thing to do but oh wells. i dont think she says anyhting when she signs my time sheet. i dindt get to spend time with meraj really at all. just that few minutes were he was annoying. that formal pix of me and bryan i looked so fatl, but i guess in comparison with him im skinny ,,, the one and only good thing.. too bad viv is going to singpore and brvinging that dress with her.. otherwise u can wear it cause urlike just a little taller than viv right? so acuatlly u can share a lot of dresses with me too if u ever need one.
im glad u dont have anyhitng oing with jeff,, it hink hes oging thruy that thing of using u when he has time to spare.. sorry but i think hes not a good guy opther wise he would have never hurt u the way he did.
oik now im going to respond to the next blog u sent haha

i cant belive that u heard that att and vingualr rumour it cant be gtrue i will be very upset.. no i dont apply cream on the spots i put pimple cream caue then it would mitigate the ffects of pi mple cream. but i put it on my noise. i dont think night cream is suppsoed to make u break out though so it hsould be ok. maybe u can try some toner on ur noise? u use toner though normall from what i remember.. im surprised it still gets so oily.. maybe close up ur pores with some kinda mask? opr like those nose strips .. remember how popuyla there were not anymore huh?

wow u hae another blog.. haha ok this one seems long .its almost 1 am but ill repsoind ..
so bout sam pursing me. he emailed me again and i responded i was freindly. i think i will pursue the route of being a firendly coworker. ill be busy studying for final this weekend, and then going to la the weeend after that. and then vegas after that weekend so basically maybve i can have lunch with him and my fremale cowoerk that i want to set him up with sometime and thtsa it. i dont want his attn just firendship. i feind him kinda gross.
sorry my typing getting worse and worse

yup i bankers suck.. unless maybe u date one in the early stage before they get infleunced by their coworkers..i think we were just young and stupid thinking that we want to date them

bout gill.. yah hes falling asleep during our conversations now haha this is so sad. no i know hes not romantically intrerested in me either so thast not a reason. i dont kno , i think if two poeple love each other and stuff they will reallyt have an exciting converawtsions. i mean look at tracy and ian. they talk all the time and they live togheter. if after like one two years u run out of things to tell ur bf.. umm not a good sign gill still calls me evyer night. i dont feel anyhitng for himj at all prob like how u feel toward jason mak. just mild irritation at ties and other times mild interste.. nothing of excitement.

haha radical viewpoints on huiman population? did jeff support u on those points? did u say we should kill off all the china people hahahaha! that might offedn a few people.
i think all the other topics bout jason mak whatevers are already discussed in real time phone conversation. try to download di yi ci, by ping guan
i think i told u to before i dont kno if u liek it,, haha gill serneaded me that song recently. cause i told him its one of my fav songs.. he was kinda derunk.. but he is not a good singer so i kinda held lthe phone way from my ear.. ok
i think its a long long blog
i gotta do some work soon
have a good nite
if this gets erased ill kill blogger

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

dear bub:
How did your chinese oral final go?! Hopeuflly you didnt not sleep....sleep is the primary reason for bad skin and hair...sigh.

Today is is chinese is Jeff day. i tried to look cute and summery for him. alas, we did not talk! its so so werid. i mean i feel nervous saying hi to him because i have friends in that class that i usually sit and talk w/. he sits off to the side so i cant really go out of my way to like strike up a conversation. i think he is shy but he doesnt talk to me either.! ohh, i am so sad. its like workking urself up for disaster! So after class i'm walking w/ my friend Tracy and she was like "jeff was staring at you during class!" 'i'm like what the heck. right?! i thought i did everything right, i was nice and friendly, waited for him to call me. maybe i should have called him back to ask how his bowling experience was? but then, that is too forward. being straightforward is apparently NOT in the dating vocabulary. But, he looked sooososo good today too. He was wearing a Fenix-tx tshirt...this punk band that I LIKE TOO!! with nice jeans and new nike sneakers. He dresses pretty cleanly..i relaly like it. makes me feel like i should go shopping too. sigh. i dont know, he's prettier than me! haha.

ok, enough about jeff. So anywyas, i was reading this article on MSN talking about dating and waht not. there was an interesting articl about Deal Breakers (DB) basically, dealbreakers are characteristics that break your interest in a guy. For example, a deal breaker for me is smoking and being shorter than me. A deal breaker for you would be like long hair...the areticle suggested that we all have our own list of deal breakers to help us decide what we will and will not stand for from a guy. Here are some of mine:
shorter than me, smoker, looks off when i am talking to him (jmak did that a lot!), rude to waitresses, loses temper easily and acts violent, no ambitions, doesnt pay for me, doesnt open my doors, looks dirty, talks on cellphone when i am with him on date (maybe)

i guess thats a few. waht about u?

how was work today? i never asked you how the rest of your time w/ meraj went. good?! i am looking at you in your formals picture w/ looked so pretty and sweet. heehh. i really like that dress you are wearing. so skinny and shi mao! =) i have yoga tonight, jason mak is coming with me. we are talking again, i dont really feel anything for him....i think anymore. i am more concerned over jeff! sigh sniff. ok. i hope to talk to you soon.
lots of xoxo
hi. we havent blogged ina while. i am waitng for you to call me. i dont understand why AT&T is failing us so!! sniff...i hear cingular and att are merging into one! crazy. when you apply cream at night do you do your whole face? i used to but recently i've discovered that my nose is just too disgustingliy oils so i put acne medication on my nose and chin and only lotion on my forehead and cheeks. its been doing a bit better. maybe you can try if your nose is too oily. i hate my oily skin!!! i wish jeff would call me. i mean, i feel so strongly that i swould like him if he would just call. at what point did i offend him so he wouldnt call me"?!!? ok you are calling me now

Thursday, May 09, 2002

hi. i dont know why sometimes live seems so good and other times it seems so terrible. i'm ssOSOSO sorry i kept waking you up last night, i totally hope you got enough sleep last night. Hm, so sam is actively pursuing you..maybe if you bring meraj (your out of town friend) wih you wherever you go, sam will get the point and stop bugging you. but do you still want his attn or jus friendship? i think if you just want tof orget him altogether maybe just ignore his advances..after a while maybe he'll get the idea. No use in strining someone along esp if they dont pay for things, you know waht i mean?! Is meraj staying with you this weekend? i cant believe he told simon that you asked him to stay with you.thats sOOOSOSOSOSO gross. Meraj is so full of himself, i think he needs someone to kick him in the pants and tell him that he is not as studly as he thinks he is. what a bone head!! Sigh, i dont know this whole breed of investment bankers is not good.

About gill, what do you think has made your conversations less exciting? do you tihnk its cos he realizes you arent romantically intersted in him? i m wondirng if there is a point where no matter if you guys like each ohter, hte conversation just stops being exciting. i find that really a depressing thought. how often is he calling these days? sihg..boys are so confusing it hink . i dont know what to hink anymore. my brain/heart really hurts thinkginab about all that stuff

so i'm not having such a good day. i failed my chinse quiz..i left so many blank , i offended my discussion because of my radical viewpoints on human population, i lost my wallet and i hurt jason..i htink. i dunno mayb ei dont care

so last night when iw as studying i kept thinking about him. ina bad way, like i couldntshake him out of my head. and i really hated that because i knew i had to talk to him so i called him and i basically told him everything about my insecurities and stuff. and he just lisetnend b/c i wouldnt let him speak. i just sayd, please let me finish. here is basically how it went

me: i don think what to think anymore jason.. i dont know why youa re sudenly being so nice to me, and its really confusing me
rach: i've wanted to be back in you r life for a long time, i just didnt have the guts. i wanted us to be friends
me: i dont htink you understand how long its taken me/ took me to get over you . i mean i know to the day when it all happend and i udnno. everyday it was on my mind and i dont hitnk its fair that you didnt know that. i left you alone to have your fun and didnt bother you. and there were so manyt imes i just wished you would call me to be my freind and ask me how i was doing. but you ddint. and i dont know if i can trust you again. its seems like all of a sudden you have all this free time and you want to hang out with me because its convenient. but you know? i dont know if i can do it, i mean your around for one more month and then you are gone. i cant have you in and out of my life , its really disruptive so i think we shouldnt hang out. i dont htink i could be your friend because of our history etc...

so thats bascially how the conversation went and today i felt so terrible. very know whta i mean? but i think its the best way, because yu are right, its not woorth crying over for another 4 months from now just for less than one month of fun. i htink boys are selfsish, when they brek up with a girl they instantly move on and dont think about her feelings that much. then a few months later, when they realize they arent getting anyone else and they feel lonely, they think they can just "be friends" again with the girl. my friend tracys says that if he really wanted to be my friend hed respect what i was saying and give me my space. i think im just really sick of it all.

so jeff never called, but i saw him in class . he looked good. blue polo shirt and reallyg ood looking jeans. hes quite a good dresser, reminds me of jason mak a lot. so i htink he was sorta waiting for me after class but i had to wait for my friends so he just walked off alone. i was sad because i didnt htink i'd get to see him or talk to him and so i just went on the shuttle. but fate or something, he was on my bus! and hes like psst. i looked up and there he was. !! he was like hows it going etc..and we started to chit chat. he asked me waht i was doing this weekend, and i said oh i dunno. studying , sleeping..the usual.a nd then we kept chatting blah blah blah. and then he asked me if i was taking summer school and i sayd ya, first session and he is TOO!! hes like, i'll see you around then. i was like, ya! and then we were just chatting still until we got off. and he's like "i'll call you sometime" i said, sure. So, back to square one. why is it so hard for a guy to call a girl huh? i guess i'll just continue to not have expectations. i kinda feel better about letting mak go because i'm hoping jeff will take his place. thats so unindependent of me but i dunno. i guess i dont know how to be alone or something. i dont think its healthy but i dont care. hes from san francisco city...ihe'll be here for 5 yeras. i feel hopefull but partially i dont care too much. boys are nohing but trouble.

michelle, doyou feel like we are getting so old and that the ppl we talk to now are just like only part of our current situation? i find that so depressing because then, whats the point? like we are wasting our time and stuff. Thats why i think maybe college relationships are hs ones ..because i mean, after college we arent even settled yet. and we are so young and are gong to be doing so many different things. its too hard to be in a commmited relationship because there so much pushing and pulling. i duno do you kind know what i mean?! i htin i'm just experiencing a blue day..

sorry this is so long and random. i hope you have fun at sphagettey factory.i really like that place! good food ehhehe. i have yoga tonight, even thogh i am so tired, i have to go to get my mind of things. i will ttyl tonight

love always
hi again
just wnated to blog u and say hi. remembe pogs..just hinking bout those since it rhymes with blog, those pogs are the things that are little cardboard cutouts and u would stack them and hit them with Bigger pogs, and sometimes metal ones and ppl would collect them..remember how gay that was.
well last night sam called me.. it was a private number so i picked up, i was like not ready to call him he could save money, so i was like oh sorry im on my way out. i wont be home till late. and he was just asking me bout this weekend since i havent emeailed him back yet. and i told him oh i emeailed u already jsuta a few minutes ago. and now he sent me another email!!! jen. why can i get a quality guy? im so grossed out by him i dont even want to talk to him on the phone. and now i dont want to talk to gill either. i try hard but our conversations just dont have the spark they did before. i guess thats just the way things go after a while. i took a nap this afternoon and i feel soo much better=) any news with j mak? the bet thing? let me kno
todnite is senior banquet for sopi and we going to spaghetti factory..yuck but im hungry so anything works. so far today i ate two donuts. (one bear claw and one regular YUM!) and ate more papapaya

ok love