i'm so sorry i havent been the nicest of ppl lately; i htink i'm just a bit arghed over school and boys etc..how are you doing? i hope you have been able to read at least some of your texts so you can write an A+ paper on Theory. i think whatever you do will turn to gold i mean you are naturally talented writer..and i kid you not. hehe anyways. if you need someone to proofread, i'm always awake...ok? so hwer things w/ school in general, your ifnals schedule seems so werid becase you seem to only have papers. i think its weird that your year is ending, its kinda scary, doncha hink? i relaly dont want to be a senior...but i guess since i'll be here for 2 more years, i'll ge a chance to get used to super senior dom. argh. anwyays.i took my bio quiz this morning, i was happy because i hink i did pretty well. i studied from like 6am-10am this morning. for once, i actually got up to study like i said i would. sigh.! i have a chem midterm and a chinese quiz on friday. ahhh. i thin i want to kill my chinese professor she is so hard core. gosh. and my chem shouldknt be too bad as long as i study hard...i htink thats the worst part about doing bad in school. you know you can do it but then you just are lazy. thats the differnec between me and ppl that do well in school. they work really hard. i only half ass it most of the time and stil churn up mediocre grades. its relaly relaly annoying! i need to register for my classes next quarter. i put it off i dont know why. i'm so lazy these days.
so anyways, jason mak was on my mind all day today;. in a bad wayt hto. i saw him from the shcool shuttle and felt a little nauseated. he didnt see me. but he called me and wanted to come over after class. i let him come over thinking we would talk about stuff more. anwyas he came over and we were both lying on the bed. he was like hugging me and stuff but i told him he coukdnt do that. i asked him all those questions again about how he knew this was right. and i began to realize that he hasnt relaly thought too much about this at all. i asked him. ok jason, i just need to know : before when you decided to break up with me, you felt all this pressure and stuff. if you cared so much about me like you said you did, then why was i the first to get shafted. why was i your first priority to get dropped? he couldnt answer me. at all. all the questions i asked him he couldknt answer me. i dont know. he said he coudlnt think of anything to say becuase he has a difficult time expressing himself. we talked for about an hour and he kept asking me waht i wanted. i said security, and being able to trust him. he never said anything. i dont know. so we were just lying there, not touching or anything and i told him, "i think you should leave" and he trie dto protest and like argue w/ me that i was making htis too complicated etc... (am I?...i dont know) and i said i think you shoudl go. so he got up grumbling. and i'm like, i htink i deserve an explanation. i deserve whatever i ask for jason and i think you and i both know it. and so he was kinda pissed off. and he just upped and left.
p[art o fme thinks i was too harsh, and maybe i'm making this too difficult for mr. mak. but at the same time, it hink he should be begging me back because he was the one that made hte mistake etc...so for him to be getting mad at me is so ridiculous. i am proud that i didnt cave in...i think you are right, caving in is a momentary solution to a problem that could last forever. i dont know. oh ya he told me that he wants to be w/ me forever. like were so compatible etc...and stuff. sihg. good thing i'm not a sucker. (i'm not..realy ! =) anyways. i dont know. part of me is still confused. but i am clear about one thing. he needs to beg and agree with everyhing i say beause he owes me. until then, we arent anything....so maybe you ought to book anohter ticket to sd =) hahah. j/k. i love you lots
ps. thanks for listening to me whine...so sorry its never ending!!