Thursday, May 09, 2002

hi. i dont know why sometimes live seems so good and other times it seems so terrible. i'm ssOSOSO sorry i kept waking you up last night, i totally hope you got enough sleep last night. Hm, so sam is actively pursuing you..maybe if you bring meraj (your out of town friend) wih you wherever you go, sam will get the point and stop bugging you. but do you still want his attn or jus friendship? i think if you just want tof orget him altogether maybe just ignore his advances..after a while maybe he'll get the idea. No use in strining someone along esp if they dont pay for things, you know waht i mean?! Is meraj staying with you this weekend? i cant believe he told simon that you asked him to stay with you.thats sOOOSOSOSOSO gross. Meraj is so full of himself, i think he needs someone to kick him in the pants and tell him that he is not as studly as he thinks he is. what a bone head!! Sigh, i dont know this whole breed of investment bankers is not good.

About gill, what do you think has made your conversations less exciting? do you tihnk its cos he realizes you arent romantically intersted in him? i m wondirng if there is a point where no matter if you guys like each ohter, hte conversation just stops being exciting. i find that really a depressing thought. how often is he calling these days? sihg..boys are so confusing it hink . i dont know what to hink anymore. my brain/heart really hurts thinkginab about all that stuff

so i'm not having such a good day. i failed my chinse quiz..i left so many blank , i offended my discussion because of my radical viewpoints on human population, i lost my wallet and i hurt jason..i htink. i dunno mayb ei dont care

so last night when iw as studying i kept thinking about him. ina bad way, like i couldntshake him out of my head. and i really hated that because i knew i had to talk to him so i called him and i basically told him everything about my insecurities and stuff. and he just lisetnend b/c i wouldnt let him speak. i just sayd, please let me finish. here is basically how it went

me: i don think what to think anymore jason.. i dont know why youa re sudenly being so nice to me, and its really confusing me
rach: i've wanted to be back in you r life for a long time, i just didnt have the guts. i wanted us to be friends
me: i dont htink you understand how long its taken me/ took me to get over you . i mean i know to the day when it all happend and i udnno. everyday it was on my mind and i dont hitnk its fair that you didnt know that. i left you alone to have your fun and didnt bother you. and there were so manyt imes i just wished you would call me to be my freind and ask me how i was doing. but you ddint. and i dont know if i can trust you again. its seems like all of a sudden you have all this free time and you want to hang out with me because its convenient. but you know? i dont know if i can do it, i mean your around for one more month and then you are gone. i cant have you in and out of my life , its really disruptive so i think we shouldnt hang out. i dont htink i could be your friend because of our history etc...

so thats bascially how the conversation went and today i felt so terrible. very CONFLICTED..you know whta i mean? but i think its the best way, because yu are right, its not woorth crying over for another 4 months from now just for less than one month of fun. i htink boys are selfsish, when they brek up with a girl they instantly move on and dont think about her feelings that much. then a few months later, when they realize they arent getting anyone else and they feel lonely, they think they can just "be friends" again with the girl. my friend tracys says that if he really wanted to be my friend hed respect what i was saying and give me my space. i think im just really sick of it all.

so jeff never called, but i saw him in class . he looked good. blue polo shirt and reallyg ood looking jeans. hes quite a good dresser, reminds me of jason mak a lot. so i htink he was sorta waiting for me after class but i had to wait for my friends so he just walked off alone. i was sad because i didnt htink i'd get to see him or talk to him and so i just went on the shuttle. but then..like fate or something, he was on my bus! and hes like psst. i looked up and there he was. !! he was like hows it going etc..and we started to chit chat. he asked me waht i was doing this weekend, and i said oh i dunno. studying , sleeping..the usual.a nd then we kept chatting blah blah blah. and then he asked me if i was taking summer school and i sayd ya, first session and he is TOO!! hes like, i'll see you around then. i was like, ya! and then we were just chatting still until we got off. and he's like "i'll call you sometime" i said, sure. So, back to square one. why is it so hard for a guy to call a girl huh? i guess i'll just continue to not have expectations. i kinda feel better about letting mak go because i'm hoping jeff will take his place. thats so unindependent of me but i dunno. i guess i dont know how to be alone or something. i dont think its healthy but i dont care. hes from san francisco city...ihe'll be here for 5 yeras. i feel hopefull but partially i dont care too much. boys are nohing but trouble.

michelle, doyou feel like we are getting so old and that the ppl we talk to now are just like only part of our current situation? i find that so depressing because then, whats the point? like we are wasting our time and stuff. Thats why i think maybe college relationships are dumb..like hs ones ..because i mean, after college we arent even settled yet. and we are so young and are gong to be doing so many different things. its too hard to be in a commmited relationship because there so much pushing and pulling. i duno do you kind know what i mean?! i htin i'm just experiencing a blue day..

sorry this is so long and random. i hope you have fun at sphagettey factory.i really like that place! good food ehhehe. i have yoga tonight, even thogh i am so tired, i have to go to get my mind of things. i will ttyl tonight

love always
jn
hi again
just wnated to blog u and say hi. remembe pogs..just hinking bout those since it rhymes with blog, those pogs are the things that are little cardboard cutouts and u would stack them and hit them with Bigger pogs, and sometimes metal ones and ppl would collect them..remember how gay that was.
well last night sam called me.. it was a private number so i picked up, i was like not ready to call him back..so he could save money, so i was like oh sorry im on my way out. i wont be home till late. and he was just asking me bout this weekend since i havent emeailed him back yet. and i told him oh i emeailed u already jsuta a few minutes ago. and now he sent me another email!!! jen. why can i get a quality guy? im so grossed out by him i dont even want to talk to him on the phone. and now i dont want to talk to gill either. i try hard but our conversations just dont have the spark they did before. i guess thats just the way things go after a while. i took a nap this afternoon and i feel soo much better=) any news with j mak? the bet thing? let me kno
todnite is senior banquet for sopi and we going to spaghetti factory..yuck but im hungry so anything works. so far today i ate two donuts. (one bear claw and one regular YUM!) and ate more papapaya

ok love
mishy








Wednesday, May 08, 2002

hi bubba,
i totally kno what u mean by being overwhelmed with emotions. its ben a while since ive had a turbulent love life, but since ur going thru such a eventful lovelife situation right now i can see how u are always tumblinh inside..
well bout jason, hes not worth all that tumble and rumble inside of u. that bet thing is a sure thing that hes interested.. guys only say that when they want to take u out and stuff.. u kno sometimes its fun to be pursued and stuff but like only if u can benefit from it. im worired that u get a few dinners, a few days of hanging out and he will leave u hanging dry . is it worth it? i mean the bet is sooooo dangeours. if u guys go thru with its ist basically another cfhance for him to see uagain. will u let ur self risk being played?

oh so jason got a new cell? im sure u are like the first person he told, well i wont mention jeff again till u tell me the details in case it makes u upset. i hate that feeling..remember i had it so many times like with the guy at the sopi divine party.. ahh so upseting

yah i ate tons .. i hate half a HUGE papaya ..bigger than both of our heads combined. and i ate the chinese salty fish fried rice, and then regular rice with pig feet,, kinda gross.. and then a fried egg.. i coudlnt study fause my stomach is soo full

bout meraj i got a chance to tal kto simon bout it. i think meraj is soo annoying im thinking about avoiding him for the whole weekend.i dont kno for sure hes not going to take me to costco unless we have some kinda like trade off. im so uspet suppseodly simon told me like last time he was here., he told simon that i WANTED him to stay with me in my room, like i was WELCOMING.. oh my god!QQQQQQQQ i cant bleive it, first off i didnt want to, and he wanted to sleep on my BED! and i was like no i dont feel comfotable so he slept on the floor, and he was upset..and i was uncomftable still. and now knowing that he told simon that i was like asking him to stay with me.. oh my god that tops the cake or wahtever that saying is.. meraj is a jerk. and if hes not going to drive u up here then forget it. what time would u be able to come.. i prob be in the lib part of the weekend i htink. well i though ti was going tonite ut i guess not.,
if jasons firend are going to med school , maybe u shoudl go with him to graduatiojn so he can introuce u haha..it sounds werid but im good firends with jason hsieh's firends..

ok i kno ur doing work with ur mom righ tnow. so work study hard i chat with u another time..gnite
Dear baby:

hi. do you ever feel overwhelmed by your emotions? Like you keep feeling this uneasiness inside ( i dont mean diarrhea) and you cant do anthyhing to prevent it and you are like restless and stuff? I feel ike that right now. Like i'm spinning inside and i dont even know where to begin. So jason came over tonight and it was i dunno. Weird, there was still chemistry between us, you know what i mean? Like a lot of chemistry and suddenly i began to feel things again and i dont know waht to do. I dont want to like him necessarily, but i still feel so attracted to him. gosh he is really screwing me up you know!?!? Now we have this bet going on. We are gonna race like 4 miles and whoever wins gets something. If I win he is going to wash my car. if he wins he is takin gme out to dinner??!?! how does that work?! id ont know. but i mean. i guess i can kinda tell he is interested in me again because we were watching the kiss video and he kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye. like i could tell you know?: i kept telling him to watch the video and stuff. then later he put his hand around my arm an was like playfully like bumping me and stuff. i dunno bubbi. he's not telling me anything AND still i dont know what to think.

i'm beginning to be sad that jeff isnt calling me. jason got a new cell number and whne he called me i thoght it was jeff and got really excted. then i picked up and it was jason. i was kinda dissapointed. whats wrong with me. i am like not enjoying this confusion.

i hope you got something to eat after starving all day =( poor girl. do you have sorority stuff tonight? i am sorry that i neglected you online, i apologize...are you gonna stay up there for sure or are you gonna come to LA?! too bad meraj cant wait a little bit longer, i would love to see you and study and stuff. hmmm. maybe we can convince him somehoiw to swing by sd, pik me up and then go to berkeley!! why ius it that some guys will go way out of hte way and other guys wont budge an inch. so stupid. hehehe. if he goes up you should abuse him for car privledges, make him take you to costco and stuff..too bad you are ending your quarter . are you excited? how many more weeks do you have? USC graduation is this weekend, my gosh, all of jasons frineds are going to med schools!! crazy...so successful. jason might work in hk, when he told me that i felt sad. SIGH

I have so much chinese work to do it not even funny. It takes me so stinking long too!! i have a newspaper report to give, homework due, a quiz tomorrow and an essay on women in china. oh my god i better get started and not think fo stupid boys. its so hard tho. i was happier 2 weeks ago!! hope you have a fun night. cal me if you want to tlak.

love jn
hi jen,
oh =( im sasd that ur blog got deleted. im wondering if hes going to call u to do hw before u have class tomo.. =P
i think that the later i sleep its healthier for me, when i sleep too much i can't wake up or get out of bed. its kinda werid but i think this is how people usually are. right? like the less u sleep the more u are awake? we were going to pass out coffee but it dint come today..soo boo hoo. and the worst part is that i forgot my wallet so no money to buy lunch today =( whats wrose than being poor is not having any money at all. i have to wait till i go home at 530
kiss asf is soo incredibly amazing.. im so sad .. can u belive what he did thtas seriosuly like the ultimate sacrafice other than death, but still crazi want to call u and talk bout it
ok i got to get off cause my work is getting hectic byebye

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

oh man. i just wrote you a whole bunch and it got deleted. dangit! oh well, hollo. i will write more because i am so mad at blogger

Monday, May 06, 2002

hi Jen,
its quite exciting to read ur long blog too. i wish my keyboard wouldn't be so noisy so that everyone in my office would know that im not doing my work. first thing when i walked into work this morning was to check out blogger, but no chance to till now. u talking bout ur pants too tight i feel the same. going to school today these pants were ok, then iate a big grab bag of kfcmasterpiecebbq lays and then a bowl of kimchi ramen for lunch.( my boss has a big container of TWIX on her desk.. im drooling im going o go grab some when she leaves) i am about to burst open. gross. but im looking fwd to dinner. im going to have some chinese food. i feel like swimming but today we have sopi elections so i prob dont have time to. and if i do i always pass out after but i need to study so oh wells.. what does bloated mean? why do people always say that.. u seem like a good person to ask that.
well danny is going to la this weekend he wanted tos ee if i was going with him, but i dontkno cause i dont htink i should since my mom wont want me to stay at home if ig o down this weekend, and if i stay here i think meraj is coming.. wat do u think.. maybe i ask heidi if i can stay over at her place, but shes in trouble with her mom too. i want to use bcbg coupon but unless i go to la this weekend i doubt i can beore it expires.
so ur oging to meet up with old akspi budies huh? that sounds like sorta fun.. jason m be there though, i think u are really good sport. r u going to hang out with ur pledge class first or go on date with jason first. i wrote u a email regarding the jmak situation right now. well its good that u recognize u have feelings twd him which are natrual.. if u knew that u woudlnt marry him, would u still want to go out with him again? i find him so confsuing and he is always not straightfwd. and so i think that r u willing to love and lose or never love at all.u kno that saying right? but yah i think u got it, that the best course of action is to speak frankly with him, tel him how u feel and stuff. and its ok to cry to let him kno how much u really dont want to get ur feeling played with. unless hes serious , dont play games. cause in this case ull almost certainly lose . hes not even a doctor jen.. u kno maybe u should just wait for the right guy instead of rebouding on the wrong guy again. hes nice guy and i think he has some great qualities that make him perfect for u, but also i see his faults cause im a third person, ..

sorry i didn't tlak to u much more on thephone last night i was so exhausted maybe cause im not used to having so much sun on one day. i was planing on studying and stuff but didnt get a chance to at all. in fact when gill called back i was totally passed out and only talked to him for a few minutes.. seriously its werid we have nothing to talk bout anymore..

bout jack, yah i guess he was inconsiderate and stuff, but yah he paid for my sushi and a parking ticket.. i say lets call it even right, beter then stupid white guys man.. he wanted me to email him me local home number.. what do u think i should do, i said i would, should i ? or wait till he asks me for it again and say.."oh it slipped my mind", like i want to not email him but i said i would so i should.. oh so confusing

ok well i prob cant tlak too long on the phone tonite i have a long meeting, elections and stuff.. but it ry to blog u again and of course give u a call
luv
mishy




dearest michelle:
i was so excited to read your super long blog. =) first of all, i'm sorry jack was such an inconsiderate date..at least he paid for dinner on saturday, right? jeez, and i thought fobbies were supposed to be so kind and generous. ig uess thats what happens when they are in the states too long, they lose their generous ways. Anyways, what blog did you write last week? I just got back from home and I unpacked and stuff. I got an email from Jason mak, he wants to hang out next week and were probably going to watch this movie. i'm quite apprehensive. i think i still have quite a bit of feelings towards him even though i think i dont and i stil care about how he sees me..in terms of a girl and what not so i'm so i dunno.part of me doesnt feel reeady but i told him that i would want to and he said he'd call me. i dont know. i want to cry because i feel like i'm bound to feel someting again and get hurt? i dont know mayb ei should talke ot him about how i feel and tell him that maybe i'm not ready because i still have feelings and it would confuse me. atl east thats honest, right? id ont know. mayb ei'm being too dramatic. oh goo djob on doing so well on your chinese quiz! see evcen when you dont study you do so well!! =) I really miss you in a non-lesbo way. you are probably the person that knows me the best and its nice not to have to pretend or anything iwth you. i hope you know that. anwyas. my jeans are so tight but i dont feel like excercising, i'm gonna regret it tomorrow when i'm getting ready for class. UGHl. i hate feeling all bloated and stuff. so anyways, my old pledge class from akpsi wants to get together for old times sake to talk and stuff. i feel werid about that too. even tho it's no big deal. i guess its nice because irea llly had a good itme with them and theya re a good group but whatevers. i have 2 preferred client cards for bcbg, i guess i have one at home address and one at school .do you want one? they expire may 19th. i'm gonna go this week. . ok. i ma talkoing on the phone w/ you know